Crash
by Lady Anatui
Summary: Coming into a new relationship with Tonks, Remus Lupin looks back on his past relationships and mistakes. songfic to "Introduction to a Broken Heart" by Prozzak


_Okay, this story was written ages ago (circa 2006), but I'm just now adding it to this website. Apparently I still have a few stories out there that aren't up here yet. :) Enjoy!_

_Anatui_

_Oh, and everything in italics is in the past._

* * *

><p><strong><em>Crash<em>**

Remus Lupin paused before pulling on his shirt that morning, glancing over at Tonks in the bed beside him. He suddenly felt suffocated. He had to get out of that room. He hurriedly pulled on the shirt and buttoned it up. Donning the rest of his clothes quickly, he left her apartment, closing the door as he heard the bed rustle.

Why was he so scared of this relationship still? She didn't care that he was a werewolf. That didn't matter to her. But there was just something bothering him—something he had to fix before he could pursue this thing with her.

The next moment he was leaning against the wall in the Order headquarters. And the next he was back in Hogwarts as a Marauder.

.*.*.

_"Oh, come on, Moony," said James, watching his friend as he placed his book on the nightstand._

_"Prongs, leave him alone," Sirius sighed._

_"Yes, leave me alone."_

_"Moony's too uptight to go out with any girl."_

_"I'm not uptight, you prat." Remus then chucked a shoe at Sirius, whom ducked and the shoe hit the wall._

_"Right," James put in. "You're violent."_

_"He's mean."_

_"Shut up, Padfoot!" Remus and James said in near unison._

_Sirius pouted._

_"Let's go eat," suggested James._

_Sirius nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, I'm starved."_

_"It's three o'clock," complained Remus. "Dinner isn't for a couple hours."_

_"Oh, stop your whining," Sirius said._

_"My whining? Look who's talking."_

_"No, don't. The more people look at him, the bigger his ego gets," said James._

_As they made their way to the kitchens, they continued their previous conversation._

_"Moony, you really need a girlfriend."_

_"I don't see the point, James."_

_"You could have practically any girl, Remy," said Sirius, walking backwards in front of the two, with his hands behind his head nonchalantly._

_"I don't want any girl."_

_"What is it with you and the word don't?"_

_"Don't scrutinize me, Sirius."_

_"There it is again."_

_Remus rolled his eyes._

_After a moment of silence, he noticed a blonde girl up ahead, carrying a book. He quickly recognized her as Maya Hastings, a beautiful seventh year that was much alike to Sirius in many ways. As they passed her, she glanced at him with a superior look about her face._

.*.*.

Remus walked into the dining room and saw Molly Weasley at the table, setting up for breakfast. "Morning, Molly," he said.

"Oh, good morning, Remus," she replied, glancing up at him.

Arthur appeared at the doorway, carrying the Daily Prophet. "Hello, Remus," he said.

"Good morning," he responded, nodding.

"Won't you have a seat?" said Molly.

"How's Bill doing?"

"Much better. Arthur saw him yesterday."

"Oh, yes," Arthur said. "He's walking. The wounds are completely healed now. He's just extremely sore really. So far, no… er, effects from the wounds."

He nodded again, not knowing what to say.

"Remus, are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Have you spoken to Nymphadora recently, dear?"

"I have."

"Oh, good, dear."

Remus smiled slightly at Molly's tactics.

"Would you like some breakfast?"

"That would be lovely." Finally he sat down at the table, clasped his hands, crossed his legs, and waited for Molly to return from the kitchen with food. "Are Harry, Ron and Hermione here?"

Arthur donned a grave look. "Yes, but not for much longer. They're off to find the other Horcruxes soon."

Remus nodded in understanding. "And how's Ginny handling it?"

"She's begging to go with them."

"Harry?"

"He insists that she stays away from danger. Nevertheless, we're all in danger anywhere now." Arthur took a deep breath. "They should be down any minute for breakfast."

.*.*.

_"Oh does Moony like that stuck-up girl?" Sirius mocked in his best baby voice._

_"Look who's talking," said Remus in a singsong voice._

_"Haven't we already gone over this?" James asked._

_"That's a valid point," said Sirius. "However, does our little Remy actually have a crush on a girl?"_

_"What did you expect me to have one on? A bottle of suntan lotion?"_

_"An interesting match but I don't think it would quite go."_

_Remus rolled his eyes. "I wasn't being serious, James."_

_"And thank goodness! Two of me would be atrocious!"_

_"One of you is already atrocious," resigned James._

_"Oh please. That joke is really old."_

_"I thought you said you didn't want any girl," Sirius said, looking at Remus closely while James tickled the pear, allowing them entry to the kitchens._

_"I lied."_

_"Wow, you can do that?" asked James in mock surprise._

_"No," he replied, rolling his eyes once again, "I don't have that ability—just as I don't have the ability to talk."_

_"Whoa, then what are you doing now?"_

_"Oh, be quiet, James. You know what I mean."_

.*.*.

Molly soon returned with several platters of pancakes, and a moment later butter, syrup, whipped cream, fresh fruit, and powdered sugar. At the smell of food, both Remus and Arthur piled up their plates and ate a delicious breakfast. Not too long later, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny came down. Fleur Delacour was not too far behind.

"Good morning, dears!" said Molly, sitting down beside her husband.

Ron grumbled something inaudible.

.*.*.

_"So why don't you ask her to Hogsmeade?" asked Sirius._

_"Did you see the look she gave me?"_

_"Oh, you know nothing about women."_

_"And you know everything about them?"_

_"Please! That look was practically an invitation."_

_"She looked at me like I was dirt under her feet."_

_"And you find that appealing," put in James._

_Sirius ignored them both. "You're a Marauder. A challenge is intriguing. A girl like that is intriguing. She's a challenge."_

_"It's like talking to a brick wall," he sighed, glancing to James for support._

_"I mean: look at James! He's completely obsessed with the girl who refuses! Evans is practically begging him to worship her."_

_"But Hastings is a year older than us, and she's the most popular girl in school."_

_"And a challenge," Sirius added._

.*.*.

The meal went by in silence. Afterwards, Remus cleared his throat and said, "Harry, may I speak with you? Alone."

Harry looked at him in confusion but nodded his consent.

Slowly the two went up into the room in which Buckbeak had previously been housed. They remained silent for several moments, neither issuing any sound.

Finally Remus spoke. "When are you leaving?" he asked.

"Not long after Bill and Fleur's wedding, I think."

"Ron and Hermione?"

"Yeah, they're coming. I tried to convince them not to, but they insist."

.*.*.

_"Go on. Talk to her."_

_"No," said Remus worriedly. "No offense, James, but the advice you and Sirius give me doesn't tend to work."_

_"Now that's just mean," Sirius scolded._

_As the three boys passed one Lily Evans, reading as she walked down the hallway, James was inevitably distracted and left to talk to her._

_"You should really ask her to the next Hogsmeade visit," said Sirius._

_Remus sighed and shook his head. "No."_

_"Why not?!"_

_"She hates us."_

_"But we're Marauders!" he pouted._

_"Thus the hating."_

_"How can she hate the Marauders?"_

_"Ask Lily Evans."_

_"Point taken," Sirius agreed._

_The next thing they knew, Lily and James were yelling and screaming and causing a scene._

_Sirius took this moment to push a distracted Remus into beautiful, blonde Maya, whose friends had moved closer to the battle of words and wits between Lily and James. Both Remus and Maya stumbled and fell to the ground, Remus on top._

.*.*.

Remus nodded. "That's what friends are for, you know. They'll stick with you until they die."

"Is that all you wanted, Professor?"

"I'm not your teacher anymore, Harry. However, I suppose there is one more thing. It was your father's, and I think he would want you to have it." He then pulled forth a small package wrapped in brown paper and handed it to Harry. Immediately, he left the room, leaving Harry with thoughts of his parents. And he left the headquarters without a goodbye.

.*.*.

_"I'm sorry," mumbled Remus, stumbling to his feet._

_Maya stood up, ignoring his offered hand, and brushed herself off. "You should be. Why did you walk straight into me?"_

_Remus glanced helplessly at Sirius's receding form before he began to start a sentence. "I wasn't—"_

_"Save it. It was a rhetorical question, idiot," she snapped. "Now go stop you friend Potter from becoming an even worse moron than he already is." When he continued to stare at her, she said, "Run along. I don't have all day."_

_"Why do you hate me so much?" he asked curiously._

_"Do I have to answer that? I don't have time for your childish nonsense."_

_"Will you go to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?"_

_"With you?" She laughed. "No, not for the sake of my life." She turned to leave, but paused. "Although, we just might run into each other there." With that, she stalked away._

.*.*.

Remus arrived at Hogwarts about half an hour later. He met Minerva McGonagall, the new Headmistress, in her office. It was extremely awkward without Dumbledore, but he held these thoughts to himself.

"Good morning, Remus," she said, gesturing for him to take a seat.

"No, thank you."

She nodded in understanding, but sat down herself. "I hope you know why I asked you here. I would like you to teach the Defense Against the Dark Arts classes again. I know that people will be afraid of your condition, but we all know there is a much more dangerous thing than you. Besides, Horace can brew the Wolfsbane for you."

Remus nodded. "May I… think about it for a day or so? Talk it over with a few friends?"

"Yes. I'm sure Tonks would like to know."

He flushed slightly. "Good day," he said, leaving the room quietly.

.*.*.

_"Oh please, Remus!" said James. "You have no reason to be nervous. You probably won't see her anyway."_

_"Why do you like this girl anyway?"_

_"Why does anybody like anyone?" Remus said._

_James looked at Sirius sardonically. "That's like asking why any girl likes you."_

_"Because I'm the sexiest man they've ever seen?"_

_"I wasn't actually asking the question, you dolt."_

_As the carriage stopped, Remus got out, ignoring his two friends' complaints. He noticed Maya two carriages ahead of them, walking with her friend Jennifer Lawson. He considered catching up with her but decided it would be better if she were alone._

.*.*.

After a quick walk down to Hogsmeade, Remus went shopping. Passing a coffee shop, he decided it best to eat a quick lunch before returning to Tonks's flat. He entered the shop and ordered a mug of black coffee.

.*.*.

_It was just outside a coffee shop that Remus noticed Maya sitting inside alone. Drawing on his courage, he entered and sat across from her at her table. "Hello," he said calmly._

_"It appears as if we've run into each other," she said, smiling slightly._

_He nodded._

_After a few moments of silence, she said, "So what do you want?"_

_Remus smiled in amusement. "Where did Lawson go?"_

_"Oh, have you been stalking me?"_

_"I'm quite observant actually."_

_"Well, not enough to notice why Jenny left."_

_"Apparently not."_

_"So, Lupin, is there anything in particular you'd like to talk to me about? Or anything you'd like to do today?"_

_"Want to go for a walk?"_

_"I have nothing better to do, considering Jenny left me for Amos Diggory."_

_Remus stood up, offering her his hand, which she took to his amazement. Whenever she attempted to release him, however, he did not let her go._

.*.*.

Remus left the coffee shop engulfed in his memories. And with a sigh, he Apparated back to Tonks's apartment. He was thankful when he saw she wasn't there. He still wasn't ready to face her. He needed time to think things through still. He was still scared. He just couldn't help it.

With slight desperation, he flopped down on the bed with a sigh. He had to think all this over.

.*.*.

_They walked in silence, holding hands, all the way to the edge of town. When at last they stopped, they stood before the Shrieking Shack. Maya shivered beside him as a blustering wind passed by them. With that, Remus slowly wrapped an arm around her shoulders._

_"Does this scare you, Lupin?" she asked, her voice slightly shaky._

_"Yes, very much so."_

_"I'm glad. I know you're in Gryffindor, but you shouldn't be a fool."_

_"Is there a problem with bravery?"_

_"No, but I don't want you to charge headlong into a raging fire."_

_"It would depend on the circumstances."_

_"What if I were in the burning building?"_

_"Don't worry. I'd get you to safety."_

_She squeezed his hand tightly and leaned on his shoulder._

_"So will you come to Hogsmeade with me next visit?" he asked._

_"That sounds wonderful."_

.*.*.

Tonks came home a few hours later, and Remus still lied on the bed. "There you are," she said. "I was worried when you weren't here this morning."

"I'm sorry about that he apologized. "I was in a hurry and didn't want to wake you."

"Remus, are you worried about something? You seem a bit jumpy."

"I'm fine."

"Fine means a lot more than you think."

"I'm not worried."

"Well, are you angry with me?"

"What would be my reasoning for that?"

"How should I know? I'm not a Legimens."

Tonks sighed. "There must be something going on."

"I'm concerned about the outcome of us," he admitted.

"Outcome? You make it seem as if it'll go away. Do you want it to go away?"

"I don't know what I want," Remus answered truthfully.

"How can you not know?!"

"I don't know."

"We've been together for over a month now. Shouldn't we know where this thing is headed?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to be in this relationship or not?!"

"I don't know!" he finally shouted. "I don't have my whole life sorted out. There's a war going on! How am I supposed to think with all this pressure on my shoulders?"

"We're going to make it through this war, Remus. I promise." She reached out a hand to touch his shoulder, but he moved away.

Quickly retreating from the bed, he said, "No. I can't. Not right now. You're right. I need to think things through. I'll talk to you later." With that, he left.

.*.*.

_"Doesn't seem too challenging after all," complained Sirius._

_Remus sighed in slight frustration. "Well, I prefer things to be more straightforward than you, Padfoot."_

_"This is true," agreed James._

_"So," Sirius teased, "does Moony have a girlfriend now?"_

_Remus rolled his eyes._

.*.*.

"Damn it!" he snapped at no one in particular. "I always screw things up. And James and Sirius aren't here to help me now either." He slammed his head down on the counter. "Why did I have to go and ruin this like I did before?!"

.*.*.

_"Moony, you're really scaring me," James said._

_Peter immediately agreed, nodding his head vigorously._

_"You're far too happy," Sirius said nonchalantly._

_"He's not happy. He's chipper."_

_Remus rolled his eyes at the three of them._

_"How long have you and Hastings been dating now?" asked Peter._

_"Maybe seven months," he replied._

_"And you're still this bloody happy?" Sirius snapped._

_"I'm guessing you haven't told her about your furry little problem," assumed James._

_"You would be correct."_

_"Thus the happiness," observed Sirius._

_"I'm going to tell her."_

_"You trust her enough?" Peter inquired._

_"I wouldn't be dating her if I didn't trust her."_

.*.*.

"She already knows about my condition, so I don't have to worry about that. Mostly I'm just worried about rejection. But why am I so damn worried?"

.*.*.

_"This dinner was very sweet of you, Remus," said Maya._

_"Maya," he said, taking a deep breath, grasping her hands in his, "I've been working up the courage to say this: I love you… but—"_

_"Stop."_

_He looked up at her suddenly. "What is it?"_

_"This has been sweet and all, but I'm not as perfect as I appear."_

_"I don't want you to be perfect. I want you to be yourself."_

_"I'm sorry, Lupin, but I can't love you."_

_Remus's grip on her hands loosened and he let go without a word._

_"I'm graduating in a few days, and, let's face it, you're just a kid."_

_"I'm barely a year younger than you," he said quietly._

_"I couldn't deal with a long term relationship anyway. Please don't take this personally. You're just not right for me." She got up from the table and exited the restaurant without another word._

.*.*.

Remus's eyes shot open. "I have to talk to her." He quickly Disapparated from the Hog's Head and reappeared in Tonks's flat.

She was still there, lying on the bed in silence, her normally vibrant hair quite bland.

"Tonks," he said.

"What?" she asker, her voice monotone and without feeling.

"I've had a little time to think."

"And?"

He took a deep breath. "And I've decided I love you."

"What?!" she snapped, sitting up immediately.

"I love you."

"That's not something you can just decide! You have to feel it!"

"I've felt it for quite a while. I just couldn't recognize it." He looked her square in the eyes. "It's been a while since I've loved someone. My parents are dead. My best friends are all dead. And the girl I thought I was in love with left me as soon as I told her."

Tonks was still speechless.

"Please say something!" he said urgently—desperately.

"Remus, how would I not love you as well? I love you!"

**FIN**

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><p><em>Hit me with a review please! Thanks for reading!<em>


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